The Monster in the closet - GUILT

Hi fellow moms (and dads),

A few nights ago I was at a meeting for Social Committee for my son's preschool. A few of the moms stayed home, while others chose to go to work. My stay at home friend "C" and I often discuss how we feel put down at times for our choice. Many times, people will turn away at parties, or persist that you must do something, aren't you bored? Yeah right, try it for a week!

What surprised me more, I guess I have to admit because I haven't fully put myself into the shoes of the working mom, was the guilt the working moms felt for really desiring to go to work and loving their job. One expressed that she felt she should feel like staying home, but didn't have that desire.

Where has this choice between going to work and staying home gotten us all? Why is it a battleground, and not a sisterhood that supports a great choice? Why can't we say to each other "Good for you, great choice to contribute with your work, what a good example you will set," or "Wow, you made some good economical choices to be able to stay home with your son?"

Then there is the third group, who fall into the category of desperately feeling that desire to stay home but feeling unable to do so, due to financial circumstance. I cannot make any argument for the fact that in a single parent household, most likely said parent will have to work. In a dual parent household, if there is some planning done ahead of time to assume one parent may eventually stay home, it is quite doable.


There is of course also the group of stay at home moms who want to stretch their lifestyle beyond a one income budget. Change is inevitable if down to one income, and has to be accepted. One possibility might be to look into working from home, or becoming a home caregiver, if it seems the material sacrifice is too great.

My husband and I knew prior to having Jack that we believed in one parent staying home, at least for the first five years. We made choices leading up to his birth that allowed us to save for the one income situation that we had chosen. As such, we were actually able to move from an attached home to a single, and purchase a new car, all on one income just with our preplanned savings for several years.

We make sacrifices all the time, but mainly in areas that are not very important to us.We never eat in fancy restaurants, unless we have to for a special occasion. We don't go to movies anymore, which we used to do all the time. On date days we go for coffees, to a less expensive place to eat, and frequently on walks.

We try to find our entertainment in cheaper ways. Family also very kindly often give us gift certificates for our birthdays or anniversary which we can use on dates.

We don't shop at expensive clothing stores, go to the library for books and Cd's, and I plan inexpensive meals. We were given a museum membership by my parents, which is a wonderful outing for Jack. We have lots of fun finding new things to do together as a family on weekend outings.

There is the odd day when I may stare wistfully at a coat or a pair of shoes and think of the working days when I would have bought those, but for me they are not equal to the hours of fun with my son.

But that does not mean everyone should feel like me, or feel guilt for not feeling that way.

Get rid of that monster and make the right choice for you, not for anyone else.

I got rid of mine.

Mom and the City